Although there are jokes we can use in the class to drive home a language point and make the lesson more engaging, these are jokes about teachers and students in general and especially about the English language and the way we use it.
Some of them are terrible and will get a good groan. Others are a little better. The good ones are sometimes attributed (where we know).
You can use them in class – with discretion of course – and do feel free to add your language/teaching related jokes to the comments section below!
When I dropped out of school a teacher of mine told me about a friend of hers who dropped out and ended up a stripper on drugs, kind of insinuating the same thing was probably gonna happen to me. I don’t know… my lack of interest in algebra and American history hardly makes me want to dance topless.
Teacher: How old is your dad.
Student: He is as old as I am.
Teacher: How is that possible?
Student: Because he became a dad only after I was born.
“I teach philosophy and religious studies”
“So you teach philosophy to the brighter kids and then, if they don’t get the hang of it, go, ‘Oh, just believe in God.’”
An English teacher said to her pupils, “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is cool, the other is gross.”
From the back of the class comes a voice that calls out, “So, what are the words?”
These kids used to make unreasonable demands of me all the time. They’d want to use the restroom. Seriously; straight-faced, they’d ask me, “Mr. Barry, can I go to the bathroom?” I’d be like, “No, of course not. I can’t leave. You can’t leave.” The kid would always give me the same threat: “Well, if you don’t let me go, I’m just going to pee in the corner.” I’m like, “Go ahead. I’m subbing for the teacher, not the janitor.”
Student: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!
Student: Because I have 1 at home already!
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window all day wouldn’t get me anywhere… But did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”
Teacher: Simon, can you say your name backwards?
Simon: No Miss.
I bumped into an old friend and said to him, “I hear you lost your job as a Geography teacher?”
“Yeah, I’ve no idea why but it doesn’t matter now as I’m moving to Australia to teach.”
“Why go all that way for a job?”
“Because apparently Toronto has some of the best schools in the world.”
I asked my teacher for advice when taking my English exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first.
That’s the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.”
A teacher says to her class, “Okay, class, today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. “Now if I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “Obviously it is the past tense, Miss.”
I bumped into my old school teacher today and we got talking about how he once said that I’d never amount to anything. I showed him though… I sneezed in his fries.
We live in a culture where a prostitute on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That’s disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.
English Language & Grammar Jokes
A good book is called a “page turner” – surely that is the minimum you expect from any book.
William Shakespeare once came into our local. He didn’t last long though. The landlord shouted at him, “Get out, you’re bard!”
Beer is definitely an uncountable noun. I mean, have you ever got drunk and remembered how many it took you?
How do you comfort a Grammar Nazi? Say, “there, they’re, their.”
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa, his wife and family?
A: Relative Clauses
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do… And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
Q: How do you spell MOUSTRAP?
If I’m ever feeling down I just type Your the best into Google. Then it responds: I think you mean: You’re the best and I feel much better.
Teacher: I want someone to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Mary: My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.
Teacher: That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate.
Sally: My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.
Teacher: Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was the naughtiest child in class.
Johnny: My dad’s shirt has ten buttons, but he’s so fat he can only fasten eight.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.
When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word… I’ll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
A verb on the pull slides over to a noun sitting by herself at the bar.
“Hey baby,” says the verb. “Do you wanna come back to my place and conjugate?”
The noun turns round and looks the verb up and down. She’s unimpressed. “I decline.”
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including “y”?
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and it boils over it could spell disaster.
A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, “Do you know where the library is at?”
“I sure do,” replied the student, “But, you know, you’re not supposed to end sentences with prepositions.”
“What do you mean?” asked the Texan.
“Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an ‘at’, which you aren’t supposed to do.”
“Oh, ok,” said the Texan, “Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
Geordies must be perpetually confused that “Aldi” is not open 24 hours a day.
A woman was in hospital giving birth. She kept shouting out, “ain’t, can’t, wouldn’t, isn’t, shouldn’t, haven’t!”
“What’s she doing?” asked the worried husband.
“Don’t worry,” said the nurse, “she’s just have contractions.”
My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.
“Make a paper plane,” she said.
“It already is,” I said.
Humor / Humour in the Classroom – how to use humor in your TEFL classroom